Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
