I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
