I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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