Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
