there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
