I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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