just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
