a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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