I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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