It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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