I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
