I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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