Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
