i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
