I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
