I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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