We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
