I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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