Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
