my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You need Xanax blowdarts
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
