I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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