rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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