my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
