True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
