so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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