the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
