3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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