my vag is so smooth its legendary
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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