That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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