very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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