I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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