Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
