the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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