chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
