thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
