Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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