i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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