I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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