When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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