What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
