You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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