69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
