I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
