if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
