can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
