I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
