so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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