I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
