maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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