you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
