I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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