im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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