He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can text with my tongue
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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