time to smoke my breakfast
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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