I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she told me i tasted like america
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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