Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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