I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
