if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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