i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
