Already got asked if we're dating
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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