The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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